Of VD and peep shows

Peeping: Wherein feathers become hot
Valentine's Day, to the chagrin of thinking human adults, is still a holiday taken seriously outside the walls of schoolhouses where kids learn to appraise one another like sexual chattel with the measured exchange of "Be Mine" candy hearts and SpongeBob Squarepants note cards. We're grownups now; we shouldn't need Hallmark to tell us when to take our lady out on the town or when to, you know, do it. (Line of the night, incidentally, from a friend at dinner, when I told the table of a couple I know who conserve water by limiting their showers to a no-nonsense three minutes: "No shower sex?!")

Fortunately, though, big VD can turn a visit to the Pretty Things Peep Show into a damn romantic throwdown at the Rev Room. Picture strip-teasing cheesecake all dolled up like Suicide Girls inspired by Vargas pinups, peeling off pieces of sailor suits to reveal their birthday suits. One bustier-clad lass, Heather Holiday, swallowed swords in the early act and then swallowed fire in the second, blowing the latter into a billowing dragon ball that could be felt from the crowd. (Intermission, incidentally, featured a proposal by the boyfriend of the French maid who tidied the stage between strip acts; she said yes.) The mustachioed MC Donny Vomit managed to traumatize every couple in the joint by hammering a condom-wrapped spoon back into his sinuses, then removing the spoon, snorting the tip of the condom into his mouth, and flossing his skull with the rubber stretched out like an exercise band. I don't think I'm belittling myself in this semi-public forum by admitting I personally have never had occasion to need a condom to stretch to lengths of four or five feet, but it's nice to know they can accommodate.

When I congratulated Mr. Vomit after the show for a well-played spectacle, he said the Valentine's crowd made for a rowdier time, because people were expecting great things. True, it was one of the most responsive crowds I've seen for any show in Little Rock, so I can't hate on Valentine's Day too much. Also, it helped that these single dames were in the house: